Piss (some) People Off: A How-to (part 2) Or: the sound of the genuine in yourself
There is something in every one of you that waits and listens for the sound of the genuine in yourself. It is the only true guide you will ever have. And if you cannot hear it, you will all of your life spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls.”― Howard Thurman
Piss (some) People Off: A How-To Continues. When you balance work you love with rest and reflection, you will move toward joy. Your joy will piss (some) people off. This response is not your responsibility. If you are ready to piss (some more) people off, it is time to wait and listen for the sound of the genuine in yourself. This practice could also be called: Owning Your Story. All of it.
As you intentionally own all of your story (by listening for the sound of the genuine in yourself), you will absolutely, without a doubt encounter super discomfort. You will piss (some) people off—including yourself.
What Does It Mean?
What does it mean to Own your story? For starters: Get intentional about telling your story. All of it.Be warned! This takes wells of time, honesty, courage, and mercy. Begin listening to what you tell yourself right now. What parts of your own experience do you minimize, highlight, remember with warmth, orphan in shame? How did your family of origin, faith community, and social/school/work experience shape you AND how do you feel about that? Be further warned! Listening for your answers to these questions is a practice that never ends. The process of waiting & listening for the sound of your genuine self—your memories, relationships, feelings, values—is subversive. This is critical thinking on the most intimate level: What do I value? What do I think and feel? Why? How will I act because of this?When you pay attention to who you are in the world and name what wounds, heals, confuses, delights, depletes and satisfies you, you buck a system that depends on conformity. This conformity grows from a culture that validates stuffing our feelings and living with long-term, damaging suffering. Broadly speaking, for men this means steady pressure to show physical, financial, and emotional strength. For women this means striving to prove worth by being attractive, easy-going, self-sacrificing, and low-maintenance ie: don't upstage or displease whoever's in charge. (I almost wrote the man in charge, but unfortunately, women in charge may feel intimidated by others too.)
Wait...Listen (Radical Self-Care)
When you listen to and own your story, life begins to shift. However, to experience the shift, to listen for the genuine in your life means, you must first stop and wait. Make time for quiet and reflection. This is radical self-care because — Genuine joy depends on it.As a parent of adult children, quiet and reflection were next-to-impossible for long stretches of my life. Keeping the house from caving in and the kids from becoming delinquents stretched my mental and physical capacities. I kept company with low-grade depression and frequent frustration. But when I carved out time for solitary walks, the occasional session with my journal, here and there a deep-dive conversation about feelings and ideas, I heard the far-off sounds of my genuine self.Parenting. Working. Schooling. Something always stands between us and waiting, listening for the sound of the genuine. We can get stuck protesting reality—or become resigned to it. However, if you really want to piss (some) people off, you must find a way past protest and resignation, a way to tune your heart to the sound of the genuine in yourself. But how?
Cut the strings
What if you stopped to examine reality?
- The expectations you accept from others and have for yourself.
- The things that really, truly, absolutely need to be done for wellbeing, and those that don't.
- How you spend your time.
- Where you invest your energy.
- Who and what genuinely matters to you.
Are you tied to work, projects, relationships, practices that drown out the sound of the genuine in yourself? That drag you down, eat your heart out, leave you weary and numb?What if you cut those strings? Let shit go? Walked away? What if you listened to the sound of the genuine in your life and became your own true guide?This could mean that you:
- Believe that you, as you are right now, are enough.
- Cultivate and connect with friends in person.
- Talk about your feelings.
- Choose to like how you look.
- Appreciate your body just as it is.
- Set and maintain healthy boundaries.
- Speak up whether your view is popular or not.
- Step back from work and people that deplete and damage you.
For me, learning to cut the strings has lead me to unexpected places. For years I harbored a wish to be someone else. Someone gifted, famous, influential, well-paid—an actor, a singer, someone with a life nothing like mine. Over the past 10 years I've learned to wait and listen. I do this by reading (lots of Brené Brown!, Cheryl Strayed, Anne Lamott, Harriet Lerner), journaling, writing these essays. I've also had the companionship of a wise counselor and some salt-of-the-earth friends. Today, I wouldn't trade my beautiful, messy, delightful, complicated life for anyone else's.
Be finally warned!
As Brené Brown points out, choosing to live and love with your whole heart is an act of defiance! 
It is counter-cultural to pay attention to the sound of the genuine in yourself rather than join the crowds who accept constant fatigue, isolation, and a sense of personal not-good-enough-ness as a matter of course. Waiting and listening for the sound of the genuine in your life—aka the practice of reflection, critical thinking, owning your story—runs counter to a culture of convenience, compliance, and consumption. Exhale. Wait. Inhale. Listen.As you wait and listen for the sound of the genuine you will find the only true guide you will ever have. You will not spend your days on the ends of strings that somebody else pulls. This WILL piss (some) people off. Especially those who once pulled your strings. xo