What Inspires Me: the teal-mat-woman
A birthday celebration. A memorial service. A good resurrection story. There’s been no shortage of inspiration in the week I just had.But the moment of inspiration that lingers with me is smaller, less public.
On The Mat
I began practicing yoga over six years ago. I was recovering from a severe case of frozen shoulder. The simplest poses were difficult, even painful as I worked to regain range of motion in my left arm. When I experienced the mysterious symptoms of Myasthenia Gravis, I kept going to yoga. I couldn’t manage swimming, my first love, because the neurological disorder made it almost impossible to keep my head above water. On the mat I wouldn’t drown, but I had to close my eye with my fingers for shavasana because my eyelids didn’t work. I loved my beginning yoga instructor. She greeted me when I first walked in by saying: Yoga is not a competition. This is your practice, no one else’s. Your body is your teacher. Listen to it. When I went off to grad school, the schedule for the class where I learned down dog and first settled into child’s pose, didn’t work for me. But last fall a friend invited me to a new studio with a plethora of class options. On a good week, I move through flow three days out of seven. Woot!Once again a teacher tells me: Your body is your teacher. I am only a guide. It’s a gift to be back, this time with ease of movement including the ability to just close my eyes. No hands needed!It’s good and it's a challenge.
The Whole Point
Focus on breathing is the whole point of yoga. Breathing as meditation. I’ve been told that before the poses, yoga was simply paying attention to one’s breath; the poses were developed to help facilitate this calm attention.I confess that often my breath is not synchronized with the flow of the poses. Being me I push on anyway—sweaty, determined, a little driven. If gasping or just too wobbly, I’ll skip a chaturanga and hang out in down dog, then jump back in on the next round.Last week I was inspired to rethink my yoga mat hustle.
Unexpected Inspiration
I spread my mat in the second row from the instructor. To my left in the front row was a woman on a teal mat. As class began, I caught a glimpse of her moving through the warm-up poses. When the teacher moved us into more flow, I had to mind my own movements. Having toppled over, even stumbled off my mat on occasion, not harming other yogis AND breathing AND flowing engages all my senses. But in poses that turned me slightly to the left, I could see teal-mat-woman. She was down in child’s pose. Resting.
Child’s pose is always available to you, says every instructor in gentle tones early in each yoga session. And, If all you do is rest on the mat and breathe, you are practicing yoga.The next time I turned to the left, teal-mat-woman was still in child’s pose. Side-angle pose came around several times as part of the flow for this session. The next time I turned to the left, teal-mat-woman was on her side in a relaxed fetal position, her head on a folded blanket, eyes closed. And I just loved her.Teal-mat-woman remained in her resting pose until, at the end of the session, the rest of us caught up with her. She was a yogi in tune with her body, her breath, her need.
What Inspires Me
Since that class I’ve been thinking of why teal-mat-woman inspired me. I realize that during class, my own focus is not just on my breath, or staying on my mat. I spend a good deal of energy trying to look competent, strong, capable. Working to keep up with the poses the instructor gives even when I’m shaky and breathless.Sitting with this realization I know that some of this drive (if I’m honest, lots of it), comes from a desire to avoid criticism. In my family of origin, excellence was expected. Hard work was praised, and there's value in that. However, anything not seen as excellent was quickly called lazy, sloppy, or a waste. Fear of criticism fueled so much of my behavior as a child, and apparently it still does—even when the behavior is simply breathing!As I matured, the fear of criticism morphed into something more sophisticated: overthinking. This is something I do oh so well. It comes as naturally as breathing. Ha! This week, in a gob-smacking moment of self-awareness, I realized that overthinking is my self-protective strategy. I overthink and oversmart in so many ways. This is part of how I survived my family, and the hard parts of life beyond them.
The Hitch
Overthinking is a survival strategy. But it is not a healthy, long-term practice for wellbeing. Teal-mat-woman inspired me to stop and examine my drive to perform, to avoid criticism, to overthink. In that session, she didn’t seem to care what anyone else thought. Her practice was indeed her own. She had free will and knew how to use it!In the context of my current quest—focus for my thesis show—I find inspiration to pause. To breathe. To listen to my life. I realize something for the first time: Overthinking does not make for meaningful, powerful art.I find inspiration to trust that simple ideas, like simple poses, are often the most accessible. My habit has been to outline, direct, indicate what viewers should think or feel about my art. On top of that I get all intellectual and layer on heaps of meaning. I work to prove I'm smart. Instead of presenting work to connect, I present work to impress.*Sigh*As one professor says, It’s important to leave room for viewers to enter your work. A place for them to find their own meaning in your piece. A space where they can breathe.
Applied Inspiration
The day after teal-mat-woman inspired me, I had a group critique in class. I decided not to overthink or over work the presentation. For now, I’ll just say: It went well.Thanks to teal-mat-woman, I feel closer to finding focus. I feel better prepared to talk to my committee when that time comes. My life is my teacher. I’m listening to it.
Thank you for your company. If you're just joining me, I'm working through a series of prompts shared by Brené Brown as a way to find focus for my graduate thesis show for my MFA in Studio Art. These prompts are:
- What I’m trusting…
- What I’m grateful for…
- What inspires me…
- How I’m practicing my faith…
Feel free to use these in your journaling practice. You never know what you'll discover about what you think.