To Grieve & To Mourn
Before the world changed, this was to be the week of installing my thesis show.Days and months (years?) ago, my home state of California began a concerted effort (which I appreciate) to “flatten the curve” for the number of cases of Covid-19 by “sheltering in place”. So many new terms. New terms for new experiences as we all navigate terra incognita.
To Grieve
The first wave of grief knocked me down in March when I walked through campus studios whispering, I’ll be back. (To say goodbye to my work in progress would have been over the top.) Of course I’ll be back. Of course!(The photo above of me with my plywood legs was taken that day: the day before the shutdown.)In early April I sent out an email announcing that my solo exhibit is Postponed Indefinitely.This felt necessary, simple. The I tapped send and grief rolled in and took me under again.
I’ll be back. Wave of grief.Postponed Indefinitely. Wave of grief.Between these huge surges of grief, small rollers of loss swirled round me:*My well established and much loved routine dissolved.*Wearing a mask for shopping and walking became standard practice.*I had to think of myself as immunocompromised with my auto-immune disease.Thank goodness for the small life raft that is day and night: morning journaling, meal times, long walks, a spoonful of credible news, Zoom yoga class (breathe in, breathe out), bedtime.Rhythm. Routine-rebuild. Self-regulation.
Compassion is not a Pizza
It is tempting to minimize my experience of loss and grief. Isn’t this what we're taught?In light of what front line medical and essential service personnel experience, those isolated in their apartments or houses, folks losing loved ones—my postponed exhibition and upended schedule is a tiny drop in the ocean of loss and sadness. Or, working with Brené Brown’s metaphor, my loss is a very thin slice of black olive on an extra-large veggie-with-everything pizza.
Empathy is not finite, and compassion is not a pizza with eight slices. When you practice empathy and compassion with someone, there is not less of these qualities to go around. There’s more. Love is the last thing we need to ration in this world. … Hurt is hurt, and every time we honor our own struggle and the struggles of others by responding with empathy and compassion, the healing that results affects all of us." ~ Brené Brown in Rising Strong
Minimizing our sense of loss and our feelings of hurt helps no one. Not. One. Soul. Comparative suffering is a load of Hundescheiße. Look it up.Love is the last thing we need to ration. Hurt is hurt. There is no limit to compassion. The more we express—for ourselves and for others—the more there is.And so I feel my feelings—the pain of loss, the waves of grief.We each have permission to grieve what has been postponed indefinitely or lost forever. Hugging friends, income & livelihood, going to see Hamilton, wise leadership, the big family wedding, day-to-day routine, attending a funeral, celebrating graduation, our sense of predictability, bowling, eating out, shaking hands. The world as we knew it.
To Mourn
In her book of essays Trauma + Violence, writer and theologian Serene Jones notes that,
Grief is … actually the hardest of all emotions and perhaps most intolerable because its demands are so excruciating. … As mourning, it requires turning private agony into public, shared loss.”
Grief is hard. So. Hard.To move through our grief it is vital that we find ways to mourn. When we mourn, our grief becomes public: we transform our internal feelings into outward expressions.Writing this essay is part of my mourning. I name my losses, write about them, let them out for light and air.As you read my words, you share my loss.Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.I’m exploring new footing, finding my way. As I do, I’ll share some of the process here. That begins next time. Today, I mourn what is lost.
To see the work I’m making and find bite-sized pieces of ideas I'm exploring, find me on Instagram @rebeccawaringcrane #artinthetimeofcoronavirus #survivalartistAnd please check out the new layout & design of my website! Your feedback on ways to improve site navigation are appreciated.
