This week I inspired myself (Is that allowed?)
What inspires me this week? Me! This week I inspired myself. Is that allowed? Can I say it out loud? In public?We're supposed to be inspired by others, right? People out there, people around us, but people not us.To be clear, inspiring myself is not a familiar experience for me. My gaze is usually turned outward for inspiration. And every day I encounter people, stories, circumstances, and wonders of nature that inspire. But this week the usual lineup had a small change.
Here's How it Happened
As I settled down to write this entry I felt flummoxed. I scrolled through Netflix looking for a movie or special that had stuck with me. And yes, Brené Brown’s Netflix special The Call to Courage is all I’d hoped, but I wanted more.Thumbing through my journal entries of the last few days, I realize that there are times I show up in wholehearted ways that make me happy, proud and deeply grateful to be me. And I looked at myself with new eyes: there are times I inspire myself!Here’s a recap of what happened last Monday, in my studio at 11:00. The committee members each took a seat and I smiled. Do I go first? I wondered. Somehow we hurdled that question, someone talked first, and the meeting began.I’ve spent time considering the challenge you outlined for me in March, I said. The work you see represents my response to your call for clarity and focus.
I'm the One I've Been Waiting For
The meeting was intense. Neither good, nor bad, just very real and thorough. All the marks of a terminal degree program. Four experienced artists listened to me and looked at my work with, I would guess, some clear ideas of what they hoped to hear and see.I showed and talked about three works in process. These pictures are not exactly what the committee saw, but these are the works we discussed.[gallery type="slideshow" size="large" ids="4865,4866,4867,4868"]Each work relates to statements I’ve written about my family of origin and what it felt like for me growing up in this family. I've written about some of this at length here. (If you're interested, search the Personal Anger series.)After a brief explanation of the work, the meeting was in full swing.
What is most personal...
My material is very personal. Kind of like serving my heart on a plate. More than once in grad school I've heard work called out that fails to connect with viewers in meaningful ways because it is made only to gratify the artist. It is derided as a kind of masturbation. In choosing to make work about my experience in my family of origin, something in me suspected that I could face such criticism. The work might seem so personal as to be solipsistic. But if I dogged that bullet, would the committee read my work as merely personal therapy? Not a terrible thing, but not the path to art that speaks to viewers. They did not level a hint of these charges. Whew!As I make my work, I aim for a spot between therapy and memoir. I am guided by the wisdom of the psychologist Carl Rogers.
What is most personal is most universal.” ~ Carl Rogers
Cheer & ChairAfter the first round of explanation and questions, something was missing. I could almost see question marks hanging in the air. Thankfully, I have frequent conversations with the chair of my committee, Alison Petty Ragguette. She has twice-weekly updates on the twists and turns of my practice. And she listens well. Knowing the inside scoop, Alison asked me to flesh out the overall scope of my work as well as more background details. It dawned on me that I was trying not to say too much at a time I needed to verbalize as much of my thinking as possible. While I've written pages and pages in my journal and hashed out details and ideas with Alison, possibly over-communicating my process, the rest of the committee was not up to speed. I did my best to fix that.Thanks to Alison's prompt I forged ahead with details for the rest of the committee. I spoke of how it felt to be compared with older brothers, contort myself in emotional ways for approval and acceptance, the way the body (my body) holds and expresses memories of stress and distress.Shout out for people who cheer AND chair!
Be More Ambitious
Well into the session, the comment was made, Rebecca, I think you can be more ambitious.That stopped me. For a moment. Then my mind whirled at lightening-speed. Does that mean sign up for the earliest show date? Make work as big as a VW? Plan on pursuing a PhD in Art History? I had to check my knee-jerk habit of overthinking and find out what more ambitious meant.Oh? I replied. Tell me more.You can make more work. Relief washed over me. Yeeees. Yes, I can do that. And I will. What I have here is only the beginning. I plan to make a LOT more work over the next year. They want more work, not different work! Not a fresh set of statements. More work. Along these lines. Which means more time in the studio. What a good, good life!
It's been a full, surprising week. So much to be grateful for. As you pause to review your past week, I hope you find many reasons for gratitude.I haven't inspired myself today. Yet. But it is a very good day and I'm happy to report that I trust myself and like who I am.