Jess, Who Is My Neighbor (Part1)
Jess, who is my neighbor, has never been to my house or in my garden, but here we are at my patio table. A few days before our meeting I knocked on her door and introduced myself as an artist. This was recommendation enough. Jess agreed to participate in my project. Tell me the story about moving into your house.Jess gathers her thoughts. “Um. Ok. So when we moved into my house eight year ago I was 14 years old. I was literally going into high school for the first time. I was going to be a freshman at Poly. So moving into this house was like a big move for me.”Her words remind me of our move to Riverside. Twelve years ago my family moved from the midwest to Riverside. Like Jess, my son arrived just in time to begin school at Riverside Polytechnic High as a freshman. The only face he knew in the sea of three thousand students was his sister’s.“It was a lot easier than I thought it would be,” Jess smiles. Everyone's story is unique.
Siblings
“Mostly, the big reason we moved into this house is the neighborhood, because my sister is disabled. She's deaf. And there's not many deaf schools or deaf communities, unfortunately. My parents wanted to give my sister the best quality of life that they could. Fortunately, the [California] School for the Deaf is right up the street. My sister was able to make friends that were like her who had families like her—because a lot of deaf people don't have deaf families. So it was nice to see that growth for her. “I also have a brother. My brother is just cool. Like he's so cool he can adjust to anything.” I interrupt Jess. Does he know you think he’s cool? “Oh,” she replies, “he has to. Me and him have a really amazing bond. I mean I have an amazing bond with my sister as well, but they're just different. But yeah, I think he knows that I think he's cool and I think he thinks I'm cool too. But I'm more shy and reserved and nervous, whereas he's more outgoing and outspoken. He can light up a room.”I ask, What's the age difference between all of you?“I’m the oldest and I’m 22. My brother just turned 20. And then my sister is 18. And it’s the three of us."
A Place to Stay
“But yeah, moving into this house and this neighborhood was really great for my family. I feel like this is where we really got to grow up, because we were all over the place before. But we are here and it's the first place that we got to really stay.” Jess’s words carry so much truth. A place to grow, a place to stay. How often are these taken for granted? I remember moving to Riverside. The two-week road trip from Indiana to California separated me from all that was familiar and stripped me of my history. Except for my handful of darlings, every friend I knew was left. No one I met knew anything about me—preferences, interests, character—and few seemed to care. I felt wobbly and rudderless. Navigation—locating the drug store or finding my place in social settings—took tremendous effort. The wobbliness took a full year to subside.
Soul Friends
“I feel like I found a lot of like my soul friends, like my forever-friends when we moved over here.”I nod because I have found incredible friends here too. To be clear, I ask Jess, How do you describe a soul friend?“It's not often that I really connect with somebody. I'm really really reserved and I hate it. It's really hard for me to share my thoughts, and my ideas, and my feelings with just anybody. So when I come across someone and feel that I can share I’m like, I've known you before. A soul friend, for me, is somebody that I connect with.” Someone that I connect with. Connection is also known as love and belonging. Brené Brown calls these our “irreducible needs”. From the reserved introvert to the light-up-a-room extrovert, we all desire real connection. At 22, Jess knows it and names it. She also sounds like she’s willing to go after it, even though she is really really reserved.Yeah, I say aloud. This project takes me out of my comfort zone. It’s much easier for me to just stay home and read a book, or work in my studio. This time it is Jess who nods in understanding.I ask Jess if she’d like to tell me more about moving into her house. “I feel like 2020 is much more interesting.”Okay! Part 2 of Jess’s story, life in her house in 2020, where she tells me she is an artist! Wait for it :)
If you're just joining us, Who Is My Neighbor is a socially engaged art practice based on storytelling. My neighbors are telling me two stories: 1) The story of moving into their house, and 2) The story of life in their house in 2020. You can read Mike’s stories here and here. Julio’s story is here and here. I believe that story—the act of telling as well as listening—is a powerful and accessible tool that centers us in our humanity and reminds us of our connection with one another. By retelling each story here in my Daybook I’m borrowing Adriana Cavarero’s idea of the “narratable self”. Cavarero believes that in hearing our story told by someone else we find meaningful answers to the question, Who am I? I am convinced by her argument for when someone else faithfully relates our story at least two things happen: 1) We see ourselves with fresh eyes and 2) We know we have been seen and heard.You are welcome to borrow these questions, or shape your own for your connection practice. Let me know how it goes.Thank you for being my online neighbor,
